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Episode 2- Passion Tea: Christian Crawford Transcript

Episode length: 30:52

 

[Intro Music: "Wiggly," by Christian Crawford]


Jo'Hannah: Hey guys, I'm Jo'Hannah Valentin.


Shay: And I'm Shay Milner.


Jo: And you're listening to: Black Tea.


Shay: Black Tea is a podcast through Vanderbilt University that strives to highlight underrepresented and undiscovered perspectives on campus. Our goal for this podcast is to include everything from self care options available on campus, interviews with faculty of color and minority student orgs on campus, and showcasing black artists and authors.


Jo: As the name states, on every episode we'll be drinking different types of tea and talking to you about black and brown people, organizations, and issues.


Jo: Today, we are drinking Passion Tea by Tazo. This episode is part of a series where we will be interviewing different artists, from painters to writers to lyricists. So, whenever you see "Passion Tea," in the episode titles, know that we're going to be with an amazing creator.


Shay: The theme of today's episode is self-love, and we will discuss being self-aware and learning to love yourself.


Jo: Also, for the quote of the day, we have a quote by James Baldwin from his book The Fire Next Time: "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within."


Shay: I love James Baldwin—


Jo: —ugh, he's amazing—


Shay: —in everything that he does.


Jo: I'm reading him in class, and it's like everything he says is mind blowing, and you would never expect him to not have graduated high school.


Shay: Yeah.


Shay: We hope that our interview today will embody the kind of themes that Baldwin shows in this quote.


[water boiling effect]


Jo: So, the self-care tip of the day that we have for you is Do Something Creative.


Shay: Creativity is like a universal language that is driven by contagious passion. Doing something creative will not only help to release any tensions that you may be holding in, it will also help you to communicate yourself to others when you're finding it hard to.


Jo: Doing something creative can be as simple as coloring in a book—


Shay: —no shame—


Jo: —there's no shame in that.


[laughs]


Jo: —I do it all the time. Or even painting a master piece (if you can). Whatever you are drawn to do, just do it, like Nike® said.


Shay: Like Nike®.


[laughs]


[water pouring effect]

Jo: For today's episode, we will be interviewing writer, lyricist, and Vanderbilt student Christian Crawford about his song "Between Your Words," and his short story, "The Orange House With the Green Trim." Christian has another song that we won't have time to discuss— named "Wiggly," but, you'll be able to hear it in our intro and in our transitions.


[Transition: "Wiggly," by Christian Crawford]


Jo: Well, we have a couple questions for you, Christian.


Shay: So, start off with this: you already said you were an English major, um, you're on the creative writing track. What got you interested in writing in the first place?


Christian Crawford: Y'know, that's kind of a. . . I feel like I'm not like most people in that regard. And I kind of attribute that a little bit to racism. Because, like, in school, I was just kind of never encouraged to be artistic at all, compared to, like, my peers, I feel like. I never would have ever found out that I like writing, 'cause I. . . I remember in middle school, only black kid in my grade, out of, like, sixty people. And there was maybe, like, ten in the whole school out of five-hundred. And I just remember, like, I was never in the honors English class, like, throughout all three years.


Christian: And, then, I. . . I don't know, I had a lot of very strange interactions with that, that made it very difficult for me to, like, come to terms with that. Because I. . . really, when I look back, I always kind of loved reading and writing, but felt like I couldn't do it, and never came to terms with that. Because in high school even, my sophomore year, I was in this English class, and I got, like, As on all the tests but failed all the papers. And, I remember I passed with, like, a B+, which was just enough to get into, like, the AP Lit class.


Christian: And, then, my teacher wrote a letter specifically to the instructor saying "he can't, uh, he can't do it. Think he needs to go into the honors class." And then I end up taking this honors class with this really, really ninety-year-old. . . really really old, ninety-year-old man— he wasn't really ninety, he was just ninety—


[laughs]


Christian: —um, and his name was Doc 9, and he was. . . within, like, the first essay, he was like, I was like, "Yeah, you know, I kind of was just never good at writing, this was like my hardest subject in school, like, I'm pretty at this." And he was like, "I don't think that's true." He was like, "I don't know, I don't know how you got that impression." So, him and I used to work together a lot. . . At that point I realized it was just a matter of, like, I needed somebody to support me, and I hadn't had that. And, then I got to college, and there was a lot more supportive people around me— in, like, my English classes— and, it made me A) realize that I love it, and B) that I always have loved it, I think I've always been more inclined to do that. So, yeah.


Jo: Um, for your song, "Between Your Words," which is unreleased, right?


Christian: Yes, it's not even particularly finished.


Jo: It sounded great when I heard it—


Christian: —thanks—


Jo: —so, uh, just a simple question, you can take it as long as you like, can you explain what motivated you to write this song?


Christian: Yeah. So, I was actually on vacation with my parents, and we like to go to Florida for Christmas. And, I was there and I. . . I've learned to attribute this to being an only child actually. When you go on vacation with your parents, there are two, sort of, different waves going on, where it's like, they wanna enjoy not being at work, and, like, sit on a beach and do nothing. That resulted in, like, me just sitting around doing nothing. And, we had this little balcony at the place we were staying. And, I. . . just, kind of, one day, I sat out there and I was like, "Hm, I'm just gonna, y'know, work on some music. And, that's kind of how I spent most of the, like, two weeks I was there. And, particularly for this song, I wrote it more, like, to talk to, like, my friends —and my parents, too— things like that. 'Cause, you know it's like, we kind of— just as people in general— we sort of slight each other, fairly regularly. Like, whether we know it or not, we're not always great to one-another, but it's not often that you are really honest about that, or that there's any closure to those things, or like, if you ever look back and you're like, "ah, I just wasn't a great friend there," or something like that. And, I find that, like, I beat myself up over for that, for like, really. . . maybe for good reason, maybe it's helped me become a better friend in the future, but, part of it is that I kind of just keep it in and I don't say anything. So, I just. . . feel bad about things that I did in the past, that I can't really fix now.


Christian: Um, so that song was just, like, a form of me saying, like, "You know, I have been a bad friend, and I've had my friends be bad friends to me, and that I just need to let that out, you know. Like, it's okay that I haven't always been a perfect human being, and it's okay that my friends haven't either, 'cause that's just kind of the nature of how people are, we all have stuff that we do."


Christian: I challenge people to be more aware of how difficult it is to be perfect to one-another. Like, it's easy to say, like, "Oh, this person did something wrong to me, and this is why I should never talk to them again, or, why I can't forgive them for this because this is unforgivable." And, sure, there are plenty of unforgivable things, but it's also. . . people aren't as simple as, like, "I am your friend, but I don't care about you."


Shay: Yeah.


Christian: Y'know, generally, in situations like that, people maybe have a long history of trauma that makes them interact with people in a certain way, y'know?


Shay: Mhm.


Christian: Or, people are just going through rough things, and it's hard to see outside of yourself sometimes. So, one of the biggest things that I try to do— especially with other people— is, just, trying to understand them. Like, usually— maybe not justified—but, people usually have their reasons. People are stronger than they. . . than they seem. And, it's not always just a matter of, like, weakness or something like that. It might be something that's more deeply rooted, that you'll have to be able to see them where they are. You can't always change people, and that's okay. Y'know?


Christian: Um, so, yeah. It's kind of like a cathartic song, in a way.


Jo: Sorry, I'm about to cry—


Shay: —yeah, that's really beautiful.


[laughs]


Jo: I was trying to hold it in the whole time.


[laughs]


Jo: But, yes, that's really beautiful. I really like that because it just makes me think about myself, honestly. Um, just in holding in feelings, because that's not a healthy way of doing things. So, the fact that you found a way to release those feelings without, like. . . slandering anyone or anything is just really nice, a healthy way to release those feelings.


Shay: Yeah, and also talking about your own vulnerability to those feelings. You said, like, you're not always a good friend, too, and it's really powerful to admit those kinds of things.


Jo: I like that.


Jo: Next, we just want to talk about the title: what does the title mean, and how did you decide on it?


Christian: So, I talk a lot [laughs]. I feel like a talk a lot, and sometimes I really worry if I'm, like, I'm around my friends and I'm, like, "Honestly, what if I'm talking too much?" Y'know? 'Cause, it's a thing, like, not everybody talks a lot, not everybody likes to talk a whole lot. So, sometimes I get self-conscious when I'm around quiet people, or something like that, which is, totally, just sometimes me being insecure. But, like, I think about, like, y'know, when I interrupt somebody, I'm like "Ah, no


[laughs]


Christian: —no, I love hearing people speak." So, I think about that, which is like I'm sorry for maybe talking too much. Or, I hope, y'know, if I were talking too much or interrupting you, that you know that I didn't mean it out of malice, or that I. . . it's not that I don't care about what you have to say, I just impulsively speak.


Jo: Wow, you're literally amazing.


Shay: Yeah—


[laughs]


Jo: Um, while we were listening to it, we just kind of typed out some phrases that either hit us or that we thought were interesting. Two things I've got— which, you kind of touched on this first one— was just the repetition of "let it out like." Which is releasing your feelings, and I thought that was really important— at least for me, personally, just because I do. . . I do hold a lot of things in. Um, and also this next one, like, how you were. . . you had been mentioning a mirror and you said that mirror reflects your "sin-soaked skin." So, that also was pretty powerful for me, could you, like. . .


Christian: —yeah—


Jo: —'cause I don't remember exactly because I was typing while I—


Christian: —yeah, I'll see if I can find the exact line there, um. . . "Let it sleep through my pores/ to the dust-coated white-tiled floors/ slip on bad thoughts/ slick as oil/ the mirror reflects bruised skin/ as it boils." And, I really thought about that as, like, y'know when you look at yourself, you always kind of assume that, like. . . when you look at said mirror, it's like exactly the truth, you fixate on certain things about yourself, that other people wouldn't, y'know, or that don't really define who you are, that you've been kind of. . . conditioned— maybe because of things outside of your own control— so, like, you notice those things about yourself, to even the extent that you start to think that, like, you're not as worth certain things because you see things in yourself that aren't valuable. But, at the end of the day, you're not the only one whose having trouble with yourself, I think is a big thing. And it's always nice to, like, know, that, even though I look in the mirror and I see, like, things that I might not like about myself, it's pretty much only because I know myself, very very very well, and I know every bad thing that I've ever done, and, you can fixate on those or you can— like I was saying— just boil it out, y'know, let it wash off of you because it's never gonna necessarily be detached from who you are, but at least it doesn't, sort of, define who are you, if that makes sense.


Shay: Um, one of the ones I had is from the. . . towards the beginning of your song. It was like, um, "I breathed peace and the night joins me. Inhale." Can you explain that part?


Christian: Yeah, actually here, uh. I can't show photos on the podcast, but I'll describe this. Basically, that balcony I was at? I had a screen around it, and it was kind of windy in Florida, and, literally, right as I got to Florida, I read a tweet from. . . if you know Smino, his producer Monte Booker tweeted, like, "I don't know why, but plants make me so much more creative."


Christian: And he has. . . in his studio, he has, like, fifteen succulents, like, all around his, like, desk and stuff. And, I was there, and it was during the day, I was just looking out at, like, the trees that were kind of off in the distance, and I was like. . . I don't know how to explain it [laughs], because this is kind of crazy, but, somehow, I feel like they do [laughs], 'cause they're very, like, beautiful, and they create themselves in a way. We kind of boil down what a tree is to, like, the very essence of it— like a trunk and leaves and stuff— but, like, trees are very complicated, and it's crazy that it just. . . they just do that on their own. So, I have this picture of, like, the balcony and, you know, my little piano, my laptop. . . you can see off into the distance some of those little trees over there—

Shay: —okay—


Christian: So, that's what I was talking about: when the wind would blow by, hear the little. . . like, rattle of the leaves on the trees. And, it was like. . . it felt very at peace because of that.


Shay: Okay. . . and, then, another one I had is, "I have to decide whether their pupils breathe hate, or if they see me."


Christian: Well. . .you know, although I am a very extroverted person, I do have pretty bad social anxiety. And, it's primarily because— sort of like the theme of the song— sometimes, I think, like, "why would these people even like me?" [laughs] Like, why do I have friends, you know? It's not like I should be doing that, but I do. But, it's important to know that I do, to know that it's not necessarily true that. . . that people just see you and hate you. Most of the times, people just look at you and forget that you exist. Like, when was the last time you walked around campus and it was like, every person that you walked by and was like, "I wonder, like, if they're a bad person?"


[laughs]


Christian: Chances are, you're just going to class. Or, in your lecture hall, you raise your hand and ask a question. The odds somebody is like, "that was a very dumb question," or even if they did, so what, y'know? We're all here to, like, get a degree, and getting a degree is not usually contingent upon how well you can judge other people around you. So, I just try to keep that in mind.


Jo: You're literally such a beautiful person—


Shay: —yeah.


[laughs]


Christian: Y'all, too. This podcast is incredible.


Shay: Is there a way that people can listen to your song?


Christian: I'm gonna put it on Spotify at some point.


Jo: Yes!


Christian: Um, yeah, you can. . . that link that you have, you can share.


Shay: Okay. . . well, then, we will post that link.


Jo: Of course. I want you to be famous.


[laughs]


Christian: You know, sometimes, I think, like, "you know, it would be cool to be famous," and then I listen to really any famous person talking about being famous, and I'm like. . .hm, you know, pros cons.


[laughs]


[Transition: "Between Your Words," by Christian Crawford]


Shay: What are some of your motivations for your stories?


Christian: I'm a pretty. . . you know, and I— everybody wants to be "quirky" and "relatable," I guess— but, I feel like I'm a very eccentric thinker, in the terms of, like, I think about a lot of random things very deeply that maybe aren't worth the thought I give them, maybe they are. Um, and. . . I like to, just, look at— sort of— normal things in strange ways. Or things that could happen that would. . . be perfectly aligned with how society operates but, just, completely out there. So, like, one of my stories was about if simulations. . . you could have a whole simulated society and what type of tests people would do in those. What would the parameters of those tests be or, like, would there be a. . . human rights activists saying, like, "that's not fair," and so if that isn't, the how would people see their own reality. . .


Christian: And then this one is, like, obviously people are disappearing. . . I just, kind of, think that there's a way to explore the world seriously, but also understand A) the chaos of the world, and, sort of, the ultimately. . . not meaningless, but there's no— in my opinion— grandiose, huge, like, universal thing to, like, all the planets combined to make, you know, our reality this way. It's kind of a lot of just happen-stance, and a lot of, kind of hilarious happen-stance, and sometimes, things can be serious and funny. So, that's kind of why I explore this sort of funny but morbid things about, you know, life.


Shay: Okay. Now, for your story, "The Orange House With the Green Trim," um, first do you mind reading a little bit of it to us?


Christian: Yeah.


Shay: Whatever part of it you want, and, for as much or as little as you want.


Christian: Yeah. . . I'll contextualize what I'm about to read. Um, so, yeah, obviously there's the main character, Boopy, that is in love with this guy that he barely interacts with. And, he's coming to terms with whether or not he actually likes himself, and whether he has anything lovable about himself that would, you know, make this person that he barely even talks to love him as much as he loves him. Um, so, this is sort of a moment where. . . as, you know, I guess my narrative voice is explaining this sort of, I would say, like, mental. . . spaghetti [laughs] that goes on when you, like, really have strong emotions, and a lot of, like, convoluted feelings that you shouldn't possibly be expected to understand. So, yeah.


[reading from his story, "The Orange House With the Green Trim,"]


[Music: "The Everlasting Embrace," by Soularflair]


Christian: "There were times in the bliss of day dreams, as they drowned out school, Boopy could catch a glimpse of a glimmer of hope. Somewhere in the space between the world of his inner thoughts and the real world was another world. A world that caressed the minutiae of his daily life with a heavy, yet tender hand as it lied about the future. This world whispered about how all was possible if it could be worked towards. It spoke clearly and didactically about how love wasn’t anything in and of itself, yet even deeper in the recesses of his mind it didn’t even need to speak, because Boopy could already feel, in this world love was and always would be made, manufactured even, out of ideals that weren’t, and never would be his own.


"The comments Boopy would overhear in the hallways only existed in the real world. An awkward conversation, perforated by arrhythmic staccatos of silence, could be music in his inner world. But between the two worlds, there was always more work: he could always be cooler, funnier, and prettier than he was. In this world hands were meant to rub chemicals through hair to make it lovable. In this world eyes were meant to read pages upon pages of beauty advice searching for love’s formula. Feet gravitated towards what was pretty and ran from what wasn’t, eyes found refuge in what the looker didn’t have, divorces put meals on lawyers’ tables, stomachs were always too big, penises were always too small, chins to double-ly, dimples too dimpled, foreheads like billboards, lips for sucking dick, skin that divided. In this world Boopy could love, could love real hard, even despite himself, yet only in spite of himself.


"This world presented itself, glimmering in the boy's eyes when he walked by. It pulsated because of the way the boy with the checkered socks bravely answered questions in class. Shimmered a little at the way he dressed in designer clothing. But, never, never ever, did this world survive through the cold."


Shay: That is so good, that is unbelievably good. Why did you choose that passage?


Christian: Um, I think that it's sort of the locus of what I'm talking about in the story, about. . . I wrote this in the middle of, uh, my class on the politics of blackness and beauty—


Jo: —oh


Christian: —with Dr. Tiffany Patterson—


Jo: —I love her—


Christian: —I was really, sort of, interested in it. You know, we do assume. . . generally, we romanticize love to be this transcendent, you know like, "everything will fall into place if love is real." But, the reality of it is that— thought that might be true, who am I to say— there are a lot of things that sort of corrupt how we see love, and how we who is worthy of love and not worthy of love because of the ways beauty have always kind of been positioned against black people. And— or, even, I would say beauty standards have always established blackness as ugly first. And, proximity to whiteness has been, always, viewed more beautiful. So, in this story I really. . . I was really focusing on that and the effects internally. Even if you don't understand that— if you don't have the opportunity to take a class that goes through the history of how that happens— that you just are stuck in it, in that reality. So, I think that passage sort of sums that up.


Shay: So, kind of backtracking, how did you start writing this specific story?


Christian: That's a funny story. So, I was at work. And, so, like— I got to look out the window at these trees— and I was thinking about the tree that was in front of me and I was like, it's very interesting how, like, trees kind of just discard their leaves. And, so like, that's kind of where that idea where it was like, well, if things that weren't loved disappeared first, trees would obviously, like, their leaves would disappear first. Because, clearly if a tree can just discard its leaves every year, there isn't any sorts of attachment— literally— to the tree. If you think about that in more broader sense, like, what things would leave first? You know, and I was thinking. . . that kind of spiraled into the whole story, one thing at a time.


Shay: Can you explain that world of your story. Um, what is the "unbelievable cold," and where did it come from?


Christian: You know, I thought about it sort of this way: the way that we consider the word "cold." We generally use cold to reference things that aren't, like, loving, which is very interesting, you know. Like, why is the winter not loving, you know? What's specific about a temperature? And, then um, in that sense, I was like, "well this is a perfect way of representing this wave of no love, you know? And. . . yeah, essentially I just thought about it in a. . . maybe it was a science experiment. Nobody really needs to know, nobody will know. But, it resulted in this sort of, like, spontaneous wave of. . . whatever doesn't get cared about is getting taken away, right now. So, in that sense I was thinking about if the whole world had to really refocus what they think about. And, instead of whatever trifles people think about now it's, like, "what things do I want to stay? And, what things did I neglect to recognize that're just going to be gone forever now?"


Jo: That honestly kind of made me, just, think about with all of the cold and all of the fighting everywhere—


Shay: —yeah—


Jo: —um, it just made me think of what would happen if, like, something like that were to happen in this world. Like if. . . let's say climate change is like. . . what if it was just, like, tomorrow, like—


Shay: —or, right now


Jo: —how would we react?


Shay: I thought the image of when Boopy's going to get Lorkey food— which, we didn't mention, but do you wanna explain Lorkey for a second?


Christian: Lorkey is. . . is Boopy's dog, Boopy's best friend. He's loyal. . . that's about it. Lorkey is, like. . . is a homie, that's all I've gotta say.


Jo: The one that's there for you til the end.


Shay: Til the end—


Christian: —that's right.


Shay: Um, no, so when Boopy is out to get Lorkey's food, and there's an image you have of— I don't know if it's a family, a group of people— and, specifically the image of the mom tied together with her daughter. And, I just thought that was a very sad and beautiful image of, like, this mom still trying to protect her daughter, keep her close, even in these uncontrollable circumstances.


Christian: Um, yeah, in that sense I was sort of thinking about the ways we establish, sort of, these relationships of love. Because it's not always like, you see somebody and you're like in your math class and you're like, "oo"—


[laughs]


Christian: — like, you know, that might be the case, but that isn't always how it actually is. There are different forms of dependency, and different things that we do out of love like tying us to an individual— for no reason, like, your mother has no reason to love you other than that there's this sort of, like, strong primal instinct that makes it happen. And, in the same way with, you know, loving your peers because of these things, and we've established these relationships. And, you know, in that sense I was thinking of like a broader community of people that were, like, "I'm not gonna let you live a life where nobody cares about you, 'cause there are people out there, for you, you know?


Shay: That is so beautiful, what the heck. You're a very beautiful person. I think we've already said that, but—


Jo:— I could say it over again—


Shay— say it again.


[laughs]


Shay: Um, so who is Boopy to you, and how did you decide on this character?


Christian: So, the biggest thing about Boopy to me is, I didn't want him to be taken seriously. Because, you know, it isn't like his feelings are particularly unique or profound. But, I think in the sense that he's just trying his best, and he's bogged down by a bunch of things he can't control. . . in a lot of ways, people grow out of those things, given certain circumstances where they do feel loved, you know. We learn to appreciate ourselves and it's almost like, "how did I ever think that I wasn't worth it?" So, yeah, that's where he came from.


Shay: It just keeps getting better and better.


[laughs]


Jo: You'll literally give, like, a good response. You're just overwhelming me with amazingness.


Shay: Um, so can you kind of explain his relationship to the "boy with the checkered socks," the "boy with the Ruth Bader Ginsburg socks?" Why does he decide to focus on that boy, while this bad stuff is happening around him?


Christian: Well, I think it's important. . . he did speak to him once at the shop, you know, it was, like, that small interaction. And, I think what was important about that interaction was that he extended this sort of compassion that Boopy hadn't really been giving out, and hadn't really been receiving, or hasn't felt like he's been receiving. And, in that moment it was almost like. . . like, it mattered a lot more to Boopy that he was seen. And, I think that's really important for a lot of people. You don't particularly know what things or what moments mean or anything. You can't tell somebody to, like. . . you know, "Imma compliment you right now and you better appreciate it—


Shay: [laughs]


Christian: —like, you can't do that to people. But, it could be the just right, you know, thing that somebody said to you that could mean a lot more than you would think. Like, I'm sure. . . there are plenty of moments where somebody said something to me off-handedly, didn't take any effort, that really just changed the way I see things, you know? But, in this way, he had that person and it was something that he kept coming back to because he meant a lot, even if he was barely in his life. And, I think that's something really beautiful about how people will tend to do that that I wanted to capture in the story.


Shay: Any last thoughts?


Christian: Thank you for having me.


[Transition: "Wiggly," by Christian Crawford]


Jo: So, as you just heard, we will link Christian’s song in our description, and on all of our social media platforms. Also, we will be posting Christian’s story on our website. We would like to thank Christian for talking with us today. You've been absolutely amazing.


Shay: Yeah, your talk was very beautiful. I feel like a lot of people are gonna have. . . are gonna take away good things from what you had to say.

Shay: So, if you would like to be featured, or you would like to nominate someone to be featured on our show, be sure to email us at blackteainquiry@gmail.com, or message us through our Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. See you next week!


[Transition: "Between Your Words," by Christian Crawford]


Jo: This has been Black Tea, thanks for listening.


Shay and Jo: Cheers!


[glass clinking sound]


[Outro: "Between Your Words," by Christian Crawford]

 

Christian's Media:

 

Credits


Shay Milner, co-host

Jo'Hannah Valentin, co-host

Music by Christian Crawford

and Soularflair at https://freemusicarchive.org/

Episode edited with Audacity

Quote of the day: “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” —from The Fire Next Time (1963) by James Baldwin

Self-care tip of the day: Do something creative. https://www.collegemagazine.com/21-easy-ways-practice-self-care/


Check out the Office of Student Care Coordination! https://www.vanderbilt.edu/carecoordination/


We want to hear from you! You can reach us through our email, website, or our social media outlets.

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Twitter: @BlackTeaPodcas1, https://twitter.com/BlackTeaPodcas1


Platforms

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